Home Is Where The Fart Is


Before I start let me state that I am not married, have never been. In fact I am in no way qualified to speak on this matter.  But who ever let that stop them from giving unsolicited advice on Social Media? So listen.

Yesterday I had a light hearted exchange with a dear friend and his wife around issues concerning marital closeness; and, as these things go, I ended up getting gleefully informed that not only were they intimate enough to bustle about in their skivvies but they were also able to comfortably fart in each other’s presence.  Well, as adorable as that sounded at the time it got me thinking on my drive home.  Should one really make it a point of duty to fart willy nilly  in the company of one’s partner? Does the, as it were, rubbing of a partner’s nose in our noxious fumes somehow proclaim our love?

After careful consideration I arrived at a negative. But! Before you mark this down as the reason I am still single please hear me out.

Picture this, it is a nice sunny afternoon and a friend stops by to visit.  You are both sitting in the living room sharing a six pack when nature calls. You take a second to listen to what your sphincter is telling you… no, it’s not solid, thank heavens.  So you heave a sigh of relief, raise a buttock and let it rip.  No?  You don’t? Why?  Because it isn’t considerate? Isn’t courteous? That’s what I thought as well.  So the question bothering me is this: why is the person who chose to stick with you through thick and thin though they could have chosen anyone else on the planet not deserving of such consideration or courtesy?

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am all for extending the laughter when a little fartlet escapes during the original laugh, or letting go when you’re asleep and having your partner wake up to vapors strong enough to taste.  But I would certainly hope if I’m ever in a long term relationship that he would consider taking a little walk, to maybe check the windows and doors, when he feels a fart coming on; or at least, if he thinks it’s of the silent variety, would stay in the room and let it out in small bursts allowing diffusion to work its magic between each offering while we converse.  I really don’t ask for much.


4 responses »

  1. Lool!
    Fair enough. I daresay that’s not asking for too much. The occasional slips are permissible but the regular ones where you now begin to feign indifference. Hmm.
    Familiarity bringing contempt and what not.
    Beht, love conquereth all things, nay?

  2. I don’t see anything wrong in it. My wife/soulmate and I should be so comfortable with each other that we should be able to fart in each other’s company. Not just that. We can also take a shower or shave or brush while the other person is doing business on the loo.
    If we’re really soulmates, our bodies are theoretically ‘one’. So she can sense when I’m having a wet dream in a hotel far away, and I can sense when she’s menstruating and ovulating.
    My weird opinion, sha. *shrugs*

  3. Ha! I thought I was alone in this, I have had exes think farting brings the soul closer…. um no sweetie, that thing you let rip, smells like death warmed over… just no.

    (‘Home is where the fart is’ *sniggers* I’m most definitely using this for future sayings :p)

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